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how long is a million years to you?
it is but a second Jamie.
A preacher announced from the pulpit," I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to retire the mortgage on the church."
A sigh of relief went through the congregation.
The preacher continued: "the bad news is: the money is still in your pocket."
A Baptist preacher, while beginning his text, said this to the congregation: "I'm gonna tell you the same thing Elizabeth Taylor told all her husbands. And that is - 'I'm not gonna keep you long!'
One beautiful Sunday morning, a pastor announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $1000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.
What's the difference between giving God a tithe and giving a tip? A tip is 15%.
Who Tore Down The Wall?
One Sunday the Pastor decided to check up on how good a job the SS teachers were doing getting the lessons across so using a substitute in his own class he dropped in on the Primary Boys Class.
The teacher introduced him to the boys whereon the Pastor asked a little lad on the front row if he knew who tore down the wall of Jericho. The boy was scared out of his wits and thinking he was being accused cried out, "It wasn't me sir, I didn't do it!"
The dumbfounded Pastor looked at the Teacher as though to say, "I can't believe what I just heard!" The teacher feeling sorry for the boy says, "Pastor I want you to know that I can vouch for this kid, if he said he didn't do it then he didn't do it!"
The Pastor at a loss for words went off muttering to himself, "I've got to call a Deacon's meeting and deal with this sad state of affairs." At the deacon's meeting he went over the whole story from start to finish, "I went to the primary boys class....". As he finished his story he waited for the reaction from the deacons. For several minutes the deacons just looked at one another, finally one of the senior deacons spoke up.
"Pastor we'll probably never know who tore down that wall but the less said about it the better, We can take up an offering and rebuild it and let it go at that."
WHAT DOES GOD LOOK LIKE
The preschool teacher watched as the three year little boy scrowled something on his paper. "What are you drawing?" she asked. "I'm drawing a picture of God" was the little boys reply. "O' you can't do that" she said. "nobody knows what God looks like." Without looking up the boy answered, "Well, they will now."
|(Good ten point sermon outline)
TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE WHEN YOURE BORED
10) Look down it at somebody (Pride)
09) Poke it into someone elses business (Strife / Dissension)
08) Snoop around with it (Nosey / Gossip)
07) Get it out of joint (Anger)
06) Cut it off to spite your face (Bitterness)
05) Pay through it (Materialism)
04) Find something right under it (Love / Salvation)
03) See past it (Eternity / Hope)
02) Keep it clean (Humility / Obedience)
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE
01) Get it stuck in a book (The Bible!)
A stranger entered the church in the middle of the sermon and seated himself in the back pew. After a while he began to fidget. Leaning over to a white-haired man at his side, evidently an old member of the congregation, he whispered:
How long has he been preaching?
Thirty or forty years, I think, the old man answered.
Ill stay then, decided the stranger, He must be nearly done.
The old rancher had just loaded his mail-order bride into the buggy and was headed home at a good clip when the horse pulling the buggy began to act up.
He pulled the buggy to a stop and said to the horse, "That's one!"
With a, Giddiup! they continued on for a while and the horse acted up again. Again he pulled the buggy to a stop and said to the horse, "That's two!"
Again they went for a good distance but once again the horse began prancing and jerking it's head around not a bit happy having to pull that buggy.
This time the old rancher not only stopped the buggy but then he carefully got down, grabbed a four foot 2x4 from the back of the buggy, went and stood before the horse and said "That's three!" then he hauled off and smacked the horse right along side the head as hard as he could.
The horse staggered and almost dropped to it's knees, then straightened giving full attention, as they got under way, to the serious job of pulling the buggy. The bride who was shocked at what the rancher had done spoke sharply to her new husband, "I don't think you should have hit that poor horse the way you did." He didn't even look at her but spoke loud and clear, "That's one!"
While Attending BBC Springfield a book came out and was popular for a while that was all about Platform Etiquette.
I'll never forget the part that dealt with using a handkerchief to blow your nose while on the platform.
It said that it was permissible but that you did NOT HAVE TO EXAMINE THE CONTENTS!
ANOTHER OLDIE BUT GOODIE
An old battle-axe of a gal was telling her pastor off and with a voice filled with acid declared,"If you were my husband I'd put arsenic in your coffee" "Madam,"was his solumn reply, "If you were my wife I'd drink it!"
It is good to know that my pastor, James Nolan, rules his house with a firm hand. For instance just the other day he was telling how that one day Carol got after him with a broom and was chasing him all over the house til' he went and hid under the bed. "Come out from under there you coward!" she yelled. He said I told her, "Hey woman I'm the boss around here and I don't have to come out from under here if I don't want to!"